Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.