Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
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ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo