“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
😩😩😩
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.