Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
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I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
classic mixup
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*