classic mixup
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My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.