The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
spicy snake
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat