nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
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COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what