I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor