Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
You Might Also Like
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science