Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
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You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
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