Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
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[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”