James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
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My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
i really liked this one
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.