If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
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ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I wanna be friends with this person
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.