[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
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“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.