Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
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I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
inventing words: clothing
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.