I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
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Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Ken is short for chicken
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.