I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
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mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.