Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
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Boating season is upon us.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks