The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
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It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My life coach traded me.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!