Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
You Might Also Like
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.