Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
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God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
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From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
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Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
new record!
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Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.