Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
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“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?