I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options