Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
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I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
do what now??
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies