the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Cha-ching is my safe word
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.