*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.