My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.