My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

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If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.


911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down


M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.


Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?


“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”


[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong


How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.