God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
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Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
They also CAN sing✌️
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now