I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.