You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
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Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I found your tweet-up…
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Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*