I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
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My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie