WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
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“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*