I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
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If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome