Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
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The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
How software testing works
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[at the general store]
me: one general please
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real