I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
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just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?