Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
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scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.