If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 馃ぃ
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CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 馃槀
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
That鈥檚 fair
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Judge: I鈥檓 disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I鈥檓 disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she鈥檚 gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
鈥渃an you hook me up with some wifi?”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he鈥檚 eating the onion rings i just paid for
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Man Who Didn鈥檛 Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?