*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
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“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish