People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
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I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Where’s my employee discount too?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
i wish i could marry a nap
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.