i wish i could marry a nap
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
crochet youtube is brutal
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Always a metermaid never a meter
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
