i wish i could marry a nap
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I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain