ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
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2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.