Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
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*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.