In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em