An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
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Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
He wanted to make sure😂
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.