Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt