I drew y’all a little something.
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“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.