Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
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7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Home #decor warning.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week