I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
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ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
If you know, you know 😂🚔
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
plums roundup
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Good boy 😂😂
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Legend 🤣🤣
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS