My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
somebody come look at this
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.