Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
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How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.