“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Customer is always right