Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
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Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
what kind of cook setting is this??
my one true gender
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song